Update on the Little Man

Fever is gone! White patches inside of mouth (fungal infection) is going away.

We still are working on eating. We are starting with baby food. We suspect we are going to work on re-learning how to eat. He gags on anything bigger stage 2 babyfood.

Here are some pictures from surgery day. This is presurgery:

Post surgery - notice the nose tube they put in to keep his throat open.

This is what it look liked when it got pulled out. Bill pulled it out of the garbage to get a picture of it. Holy Tube! Look at the size of that thing!

Not doing well

Ricky is running a fever of 102.3 - started this afternoon.
It has come down but it is of concern. The dr's have switched his antibiotics. If his fever is not contained we have to go to the emergency room which is at Childrens Hospital (45 minutes away). I hope it doesn't come to this as I'm not sure what we will do with Emily.

Please think good thoughts. Fever is down to 100.8 and he just got more tylenol. Hopefully we can keep in check.

Home!

We got home this afternoon.
He started eating last night - chocolate pudding, chocolate ice cream and applesauce - very little drinking.
He had to get 3 IVs....ummm trying to juggle Ricky in my arms, I ripped out 2. One led to major blood fest - looked like a scene from CSI - blood pools on the floor, blood everywhere. My pants were covered in blood and when I stripped my skin was stained red.
Very little sleep was had by mommy as I had snoring boy sleeping next to me and snoring husband on the couch.
I'm constantly amazed by several things
1) how much he wants me. Wanting mommy is instinctual. Even with the bad times I have had with him, he knows mommy loves him. I have carried him everywhere, held him in many chairs, and rocked him to sleep.
2) how much I do love him. I have to remember this during our struggles.
3) how little kids seem to snap back. We are home and he is about 85% himself.
I had a big episode of crying as I had to remember that when he was in China, he had no one to rock him, to console him, to sleep with him when he had his lip repaired.
I'm home next week with him and he should be back to daycare by the week of Christmas.
Thank you all for holding my hand virtually in this. It definitely helps!

Surgery Tomorrow

We are packed for our 2 day adventure at the hospital. It is only suppose to be overnight but last time we were in for 2 1/2 days.

Surgery is at 8 am. Not sure how long it lasts - probably an hour or two.

I will try to post an update in the afternoon.

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Good Thoughts Please!

Ricky is scheduled for surgery on Thursday, December 11th.
This is his second surgery for his palate since we had him.
He is getting new ear tubes (as one fell out).
He is also have his back of his palate stitched up - on his last surgery 2-3 stitches opened up in the way back. He needs this closed for speech.
Finally, they are putting in a p-flap in. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharyngeal_flap_surgery

They are suppose to put a very very small one in. The one on wikipedia looks huge.

We are very nervous about breathing issues. But they can always remove it if necessary.

Please say some prayers! Mommy loves you very much Ricky!

Sharing a Post and a Confession

A friend has written this post. This definitely could be written by me.

Elizabeth you inspire me to write this because you have the courage to do so on your blog.

My confession...

You only want to write about how great the adoption and adjustment is going. Go to all the adoption blogs - rarely anyone talks about it - post adoption depression. All the blogs - they are happy posts, looks how great she/he is adjusting. Heck my blog is this way except for a few lapses where I post truely how I'm feeling.

But behind close doors there is more to the picture. Emily has seen me in ways that I wish I could take back. I have cried myself to sleep wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I asked for this. I wanted this. I chased this dream. I dragged my family across the world for this. I took a baby from his only home he knew.

Then I come home and struggle with my day to day life. I struggle with being a mom to a child that I barely know. I struggle to be a mom to my daughter who I gave birth to. I struggle to be wife to my terrific husband.

Work seems to be my only salvation, my only escape from what I have experienced.

There are days that I don't want to come home. There are days that I say I'm busy so I just don't get home within a reasonable time. There are days I wish I could travel for work so I don't have to be home.

This doesn't mean I don't love Ricky and I don't love our family. I cannot imagine our life without him. He is a joy most of the time. He does make you laugh and he just loves you for you. Watching him and Emily play makes it all worth what we did.

It is just hard and a daily struggle to have good days. I actually think I have had a good week. I'm trying to let go and just enjoy and not be so worried about the little things. I'm trying to make our home happy once again.

But do not think this is easy. It is hard work - at least for me it is.

Thank-you Elizebeth for giving me the courage to really say what is true and what is real.