Friday, March 14, 2008

Bad Mommy


Sorry I have been really bad about updating everyone. I got really sick when we got home from China. Started out as a stomach virus then moved to a chest cold then I got the flu. A really bad strain of the flu. I had a fever for over 3 weeks. Finally the doc prescribed some strong antibiotics and I think I have kicked it. They think I brought something back from China. What I'm left with is a body that is very sore and I feel like I'm a walking sponge. The doc said it could take 2-4 weeks to get my strength back. Just walking around the supermarket is a strain.


It has been a rough time. Not at all what I have imagined. I guess I built this adoption up to be the greatest thing. Not that Ricky isn't great but there is certain let down when things don't go exactly as planned. During this illness, we lost our dog Shelby. She passed away after being with us for over 13 years. She was my first baby. I miss her very much and still expect her to be next to me. She slept on the side of my bed. We still have Stitch the pug. Stitch has been great with Ricky.


Ricky is doing well. He is very attached to all of us and knows that we are his family. He is smart stubborn little boy. We have been teaching him sign language. He now knows: more, eat, milk, cracker, mama, dada, and baby. We are working on banana, cookie and dog. Not bad considering we only started this about 3 weeks ago. He is understanding converstations in context of things. If we are playing ball, and I can tell him to go get the ball. However, if I say ball without the playing he really doesn't understand it. Cognitively they are telling me he is around 9-12 months old. This is really to be expected so this doesn't shock me.


We have made some improvement in playing. He plays with his Leap Frog activity table and loves the ABC song. He is starting to react to music.


We go for our formal speech and occupational assessment by the state on Tuesday. This will tell us definitely if he qualifies for therapy. There is no doubt on the speech he qualifies.


We also met with the Craniofacial Team at Scottish Rite. We have scheduled Ricky's surgery for April 14th. We are also trying to arrange to get him ear tubes done at the same time. Ricky has some mild hearing loss which is also to be expected with the cleft.


As for me, this adjustment has been rough. Has it gotten better? yes. Do I feel like Ricky is my son and no longer someone I'm just babysitting? yes - most of the time. I really wish that love was instantenous. I felt bad that it wasn't. You know I was "in love" with his picture but I now realize I didn't love him at the time of referral. I have struggled with this fact that love didn't come right away. No one prepares you for this. For some, it comes right away, for others it grows. I guess I'm the growing type. Bill wasn't "in love" with his picture but I really think he had love at first sight.


For the last month I have struggled with my feelings. Why did we do this? How could I have changed our family dynamics? I did this and I don't love Ricky. I felt quite guilty and depressed over this. I'm a mother. A mother loves. Ricky didn't ask for this. He deserves so much better than what I was giving. I thought I was prepared. I read books on attachment and I read blog after blog. What is interesting is no one mentions this but I have been contacted by many who have felt the same way. It is like a silent society that exists. We are too ashamed to admit that we don't love the ones that we adopt right away. Combine this with illness, jet lag and everyday normal life - you can get quite depressed.


I am happy to say that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I can see that I'm growing to love Ricky just as he is growing to love us as his family. He is a very sweet and funny little boy who is my son. I cannot imagine our life without him. Our life certainly isn't easier but it is definitely better because of him.

10 comments:

Special K said...

You're so not a bad mommy. Attachment is a two way street. I, too, felt I was babysitting for at least the whole time we were in China. If you need to talk, please call. I could use the support too!

The Evans Family said...

Attachment certainly is NOT instantaneous! Give yourself sometime and six months down the road reevaluate. You will be in a much different place. Continue to NOT blame yourself or feel guilty. Good luck in your journey! Tina

Mei Mei Journal said...

I'm glad to see an update! Ricky looks like he is growing. :-) I think I've expressed to you that bonding took a little longer for me with this adoption, also. I had faith from reading other peoples's stories that sometimes it is gradual and it would happen. We have really turned the corner here and it sounds like you are too. Sorry you were so sick. I just posted our travel video on our blog, check it out when you get a chance!

Mei Mei Journal said...

I forgot to mention Shelby in my comment. You have been through a lot this month. We really grieved our dog Bear for months. I know it is tough.

Cavatica said...

No, not a bad mommy. Just a bad time. Being sick during a huge adjustment would make connecting with anyone difficult, much less someone you've never met - no matter how wanted he was. I'm so glad it's getting better and that you're talking about it.

tracy said...

you are a GREAT mommy and ricky knows that. i hope it's cathartic for you to write about your experiences, and as your health improves so will everything else. one day at a time, sister!

Michele said...

I've been struggling to finish a post about this too. Maybe your post will spur me on. Don't worry. It wasn't love at first site for me either and I think I've come to accept that I was worried that something would go wrong with the adoption and Jammer wouldn't be ours. Once we were safely home on US soil, and he was finally healthy, the flood gates opened and my heart now loves more than I ever thought I could. Give it time. Get yourself feeling better. You do love your son and you will get your confidence back. Have faith. Trust and believe.

Michele said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrea Nielsen said...

I know that the struggle comes when you don't feel like "you should"! I too have been there. I am going into my 8th month of life with my daughter and it does get better and talking to other families helps. iam also a fuling mommy so i will try to find you on the group!
Give yourself some time to heal!
andrea

LifeWithTheFerrells said...

I didn't bond with our daughter right away either. It was part way through the trip that I started to bond and well after we were home before I really felt like her mommy. I was so worried about the cleft issues that I had a barrier up. My husband on the other hand fell in love on the spot! It gets better!