A friend has written this post. This definitely could be written by me.
Elizabeth you inspire me to write this because you have the courage to do so on your blog.
My confession...
You only want to write about how great the adoption and adjustment is going. Go to all the adoption blogs - rarely anyone talks about it - post adoption depression. All the blogs - they are happy posts, looks how great she/he is adjusting. Heck my blog is this way except for a few lapses where I post truely how I'm feeling.
But behind close doors there is more to the picture. Emily has seen me in ways that I wish I could take back. I have cried myself to sleep wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I asked for this. I wanted this. I chased this dream. I dragged my family across the world for this. I took a baby from his only home he knew.
Then I come home and struggle with my day to day life. I struggle with being a mom to a child that I barely know. I struggle to be a mom to my daughter who I gave birth to. I struggle to be wife to my terrific husband.
Work seems to be my only salvation, my only escape from what I have experienced.
There are days that I don't want to come home. There are days that I say I'm busy so I just don't get home within a reasonable time. There are days I wish I could travel for work so I don't have to be home.
This doesn't mean I don't love Ricky and I don't love our family. I cannot imagine our life without him. He is a joy most of the time. He does make you laugh and he just loves you for you. Watching him and Emily play makes it all worth what we did.
It is just hard and a daily struggle to have good days. I actually think I have had a good week. I'm trying to let go and just enjoy and not be so worried about the little things. I'm trying to make our home happy once again.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Sharing a Post and a Confession
But do not think this is easy. It is hard work - at least for me it is.
Thank-you Elizebeth for giving me the courage to really say what is true and what is real.
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5 comments:
So so so so so good.
The truth will set us free and it takes a lot to put yourself out there. But your scars are beautiful baby. It isn't all ladybugs and rainbows. This is a very hard road.
Lets burst more bubbles.
For the love of our children.
We are not alone. This I know for sure.
Honestly, I don't believe (not for one second) that the peach and roses blogs are true. People share that which they are comfortable sharing and, sadly, most times it's just the fun stuff. I am drawn more to those who share their authentic selves as much as they can. Keep writing, be real and know that we who are still waiting for our children crave this honesty.
That is a heartfelt post and I admire your courage. This will help many Moms feel that they are not alone.
Thank you for being brave enough to post what you are feeling. I hope you find you way through the dark days. The road we travel isn't easy. Thank you for sharing this.
Paige has a toughness and difficulty with attachment that Lauren did not have. I truly believe that affects us as Moms. In my heart I do not believe that she and Ricky were not treated ideally and we are still struggling with the effects of that.
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