Something I will admit.....

I'm nervous about this adoption. Ok I said it. Does it make me a bad person?

Here is what I'm nervous about:

1) Emily (our bio dd) -- how will she adapt? She is very spoiled yet well behaved. She has had us to herself for 6 years. She is very much the center of our universe. That's not her fault --- we did it. I know kids adapt, but I'm still concerned. We have involved in the process of adoption since day 1. I hope that helps. She will be coming to China with us.

2) Me -- I had a hard time adapting to Emily. I had post partum depression for about 6 weeks after Emily was born. I was never on any medication. I worry if I get overwhelmed again, will this come back in the form of post-adoption depression. Yes there is such a thing. I'm worried about this. The first 6 weeks of Emily's life wasn't very pretty for me.

3) The new baby -- will he or she attach to us? how much grieving will they go through? Everything for the baby will changing. I love this baby now even though I don't even know if he or she has been conceived yet. Will this baby grow to love us? How much time do I take off from work? I'm allowed up to 6 months (3 months paid, 3 months unpaid). I have had people poo poo the attachment process and say not to worry then others say it is a big deal.

The one thing I'm not nervous about is Bill. He will be the rock throughout this whole process.

I have a lot of questions -some with answers some without.

TWO month LID Anniversay

I know I'm a bit early by two days but I'm not sure I will be able to post on Saturday. It is amazing how my optimism fades right after the referrals are released. I was really optimistic last week. Now it is in the toilet. RQ (The Rumor Queen) is posting that agencies are now telling people that it is a two year wait. Yes, I can see how easily it will become this. It is already at 15 months. 15-18 months is hard to swallow yet alone a possibility of 2 years. Some say the 2 year wait is NOT the worse case scenerio. I guess we have to try to live life as it is and not focus on this. But is very hard waiting.

Have a great weekend!

Jen

Next Referrals Are Here

Yeah! What does this mean for us.....well most of these people waited 14 months 3 weeks. This will put us with a picture in Nov/Dec 2007 timeframe. I will be watching the next months to see where this puts us.

The Pain.....

I don't know why I feel the need to bring this up but I do....

Most people don't understand the pain of infertility. To have it paired with the pain of miscarriage makes the infertility journey so much worse. When couples say that we are going to have a baby, most succeed with no problems. It seems like it is our right to multiply -- it was what God wanted us to do. Most take reproduction for granted. Most insurance companies doesn't even cover treatment. It is only mandated in 13 states to cover infertility treatments. They don't see it as a disease or problem. Bill and I were lucky -- we had it partially covered when we conceived Emily. Our last set of treatments, were fully covered. The firm I work for provides infertility coverage. This is such a great benefit that each year, I voice my concern to our benefits group to make sure that this covereage is still there even though Bill and I might not ever use it. I feel that I need to speak up for the those who might need this benefit in the future. Infertlity treatments is not easy, emotionally and physically. I actually think emotionally it is worse than any of the real treatment, at least for me. It is awful cycle that you go through each month: starts with the drugs, then the tests (bloodwoork, ultrasounds) to make sure the drugs are working, then the actual transfer, then the 2 week wait of hoping and praying only leading to disapppoint and pain. Then the cycle starts again.

Even though Bill and I are no longer seeking treatment to conceive, there is still pain there. It has lessened over time.

I didn't understand the pain of miscarriage until we expereinced it. I say we because Bill did experience the pain as well -- he didn't have the physical pain but I know emotionally he hurt just as much as I did. What also hurts is that no one acknowledges this baby we lost, it just a forgotten memory for most. I guess what counts is that I do remember. This pain has lessened as well but it is different. When I think about the miscarriages I can cry all over again like it just happened yesterday.

These experiences have taught me that when we finally have our baby from China, we will be the lucky ones as he/she will make us complete as a family. I just hope that this child will grow to love us as much as I already love him or her.

In a way I am grateful for these experiences as I know what a miracle it is to have a baby. I am also grateful that these experiences have led us down to this path of adoption.