I'm nervous about this adoption. Ok I said it. Does it make me a bad person?
Here is what I'm nervous about:
1) Emily (our bio dd) -- how will she adapt? She is very spoiled yet well behaved. She has had us to herself for 6 years. She is very much the center of our universe. That's not her fault --- we did it. I know kids adapt, but I'm still concerned. We have involved in the process of adoption since day 1. I hope that helps. She will be coming to China with us.
2) Me -- I had a hard time adapting to Emily. I had post partum depression for about 6 weeks after Emily was born. I was never on any medication. I worry if I get overwhelmed again, will this come back in the form of post-adoption depression. Yes there is such a thing. I'm worried about this. The first 6 weeks of Emily's life wasn't very pretty for me.
3) The new baby -- will he or she attach to us? how much grieving will they go through? Everything for the baby will changing. I love this baby now even though I don't even know if he or she has been conceived yet. Will this baby grow to love us? How much time do I take off from work? I'm allowed up to 6 months (3 months paid, 3 months unpaid). I have had people poo poo the attachment process and say not to worry then others say it is a big deal.
The one thing I'm not nervous about is Bill. He will be the rock throughout this whole process.
I have a lot of questions -some with answers some without.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Something I will admit.....
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3 comments:
I seldom comment on a blog; but I feel your pain. I wish I had an educational background that would support what I am going to say. I only have a MD (mother's degree). First, little girls have a wonderful ability to adjust. That will go for both of your girls. At 6, a new one in the house will be like a new toy. Also, 6 year olds are old enough to understand the needs of a "baby"; and when they can fill those needs themselves, it makes them feel grown up. You are on the right track taking your daughter to China. Let your 6 year old pick out the new toys for baby
(and some for herself, also.) Let her help pack for the baby. Clothing that is alike or very similar will help her connect. The point to make here is that you are ADDING to the family unit - not SUBSTITUTING. I cannot say it enough, include her, include her, include her. Then find time for her alone. (Have you followed any blogs where there is an older child? I find it interesting that new baby relates to the child before she relates to the parents. I am willing to bet that your 6-year old will make the adjustment easier for all of you.)You sound like a very good mother; and I am sure you have all of this covered.
Regarding the depression, I have been there done that. The post-partum depression is very hormonal. Even though those mom endorphines have already kicked in, you will not have many of the other hormonal changes. Regardless, I think that this is something to speak to your GP about. There are very low dosage pills that will just help carry you along and actually energize you at a time that you need it.
There are volumns written about attachment. Some sounds solid and some a bunch of hogwash. Spend ome time on the blogs of past adoptions and see that the attachment is usually only a couple of days. These little ones are not dumb. They learn real fast that their life has improved. Also, because they are not dumb, they very well may "use" that to get to you. It seems to me that most of the problems occur once back home when they are expected to turn around their life's clock and sleep patterns. Let someone mess with your sleep pattern and see how grouchy you can be. If some doctor could tell us what to do about that, we would be in like Flint.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I worried the whole time that I could not love the baby as much as I loved the first. Amazing how your heart grows (
again, ADDING, not SUBSTITUTING). My second child has been the light of my life for over 30 years.
Lastly, has there ever been an expecting mom that was not worried and feeling inadequate? I can see the warmth in you and all will be well. It is good that you can express your concerns.
Life is full of uncertainly, difficulties and unknowns. No one said it was easy. Just hang on for the ride and make the most of everyday! And have faith!
I think your daughter will adapt, no problem. I think you are smart to be aware that PAD is a problem for you. Never be afraid to ask for help. Attachment is not a TWO day process. Holy crap! It takes a long time and it is a journey of building love and trust between you. She may stop grieving hard after the first two days, but attachment will need to be fostered for months and years. You have to work at it. It is very rewarding work, however. I recommend reading as much as you can on the topic before going to China. Thanks for being honest. Worries are normal! So is joy!
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