I don't know why I feel the need to bring this up but I do....
Most people don't understand the pain of infertility. To have it paired with the pain of miscarriage makes the infertility journey so much worse. When couples say that we are going to have a baby, most succeed with no problems. It seems like it is our right to multiply -- it was what God wanted us to do. Most take reproduction for granted. Most insurance companies doesn't even cover treatment. It is only mandated in 13 states to cover infertility treatments. They don't see it as a disease or problem. Bill and I were lucky -- we had it partially covered when we conceived Emily. Our last set of treatments, were fully covered. The firm I work for provides infertility coverage. This is such a great benefit that each year, I voice my concern to our benefits group to make sure that this covereage is still there even though Bill and I might not ever use it. I feel that I need to speak up for the those who might need this benefit in the future. Infertlity treatments is not easy, emotionally and physically. I actually think emotionally it is worse than any of the real treatment, at least for me. It is awful cycle that you go through each month: starts with the drugs, then the tests (bloodwoork, ultrasounds) to make sure the drugs are working, then the actual transfer, then the 2 week wait of hoping and praying only leading to disapppoint and pain. Then the cycle starts again.
Even though Bill and I are no longer seeking treatment to conceive, there is still pain there. It has lessened over time.
I didn't understand the pain of miscarriage until we expereinced it. I say we because Bill did experience the pain as well -- he didn't have the physical pain but I know emotionally he hurt just as much as I did. What also hurts is that no one acknowledges this baby we lost, it just a forgotten memory for most. I guess what counts is that I do remember. This pain has lessened as well but it is different. When I think about the miscarriages I can cry all over again like it just happened yesterday.
These experiences have taught me that when we finally have our baby from China, we will be the lucky ones as he/she will make us complete as a family. I just hope that this child will grow to love us as much as I already love him or her.
In a way I am grateful for these experiences as I know what a miracle it is to have a baby. I am also grateful that these experiences have led us down to this path of adoption.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
The Pain.....
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3 comments:
Thanks so much for writing about this. I think that every state should mandate that there be coverage for infertility treatments. When I got pregnant with Emma, our insurance company covered infertility. Since then my husband switched jobs and the new insurance company doesn't. Your right, it is a disease just like any other. Your right though, we will be the lucky ones when we get our babies from China!
Thanks, you spoke to this so well. I too have been through the IUD's, laproscopic surgery, and finally IVF. I was able to get pregnant with our first IUD but had a miscarriage @ 12 wks. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. We were able to continue w/ treatment so long because it was partially covered by my ins. company. All employers should provide some type of infertility benefit. The good news is that through adoption one day we will be able to have the child we want so badly!
I know your pain, and unfortunately we both also know that the silence around the pain can make the suffering worse.
I was talking with my wonderful sister in law, who stayed with us for a week when Sophia died, about the pain. Here's what she said:
"they say time heals all wounds and that the pain lessens over time, maybe that's true but I just don't think so".
She is one of the few in our circle of family and friends who acknowlegdes how real our pain still is and that it's ok.
The pain may always be there for those of us who've travelled the road of life and lost children along the way.
However, it gives us the ability to help people who've felt the same pain.
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